No subject

I don't know what is wrong with me. All I know is that something is. I can't do anything right. Yesterday was BP Shield. Some bitchy Kingaroy girl pushed me over and I scraped my knee fairly badly. I didn't even get a penalty! But I don't know if you get penalties in netball. In our 2 and a half games we only scored 2 goals. The reason we only played half a game is because we started playing Yarraman for the first half until Miss Bauer realised they were a year older. But the girl I was guarding was, quite frankly, dumb. But we sucked big time. In the last five minutes, after I fell over (correction was pushed over) I had the ball and I could feel the blood trickling down my leg. And all the Kingaroy girls were saying how disgusting it was. So I said 'last time I checked we all had blood in us'. That shut them up. Then I went to the office and tried not to complain while the office ladies put stuff on that made it sting like hell. Overall, we came second. Yarraman didn't even stick around to hear the results and they won. That was funny. On Tuesday, band was pretty good. Mr Reik came in for Stage Band. Something about him puts me off. I can't explain it. I'm the only clarinet player going on tour. That's good and bad. I need to pay my money to go on tour. At least Johnny isn't going on tour. That's good and bad too. Everyone at school seems edgy around me. I don't know why. Now, on Mondays, we have lessons for band in what section we are for a whole lesson. I won't go to both every week. Only if they're in Maths really. Our Maths classes got reshuffled today in order of smartness. Of course I'm in the top one. We're doing algebra. I don't see why Mr Brown gives us so much. We're only grade 9. In English we're reading Tomorrow When the War Began. It's a good book. I've read it twice just about. We have questions to answer with each chapter.
Like I said before, I feel dead. I wonder what it would be like if I got put in hospital for cutting. Everyone would be sorry then. I sometimes feel like jumping off the garage roof or something like that. But then I go outside and Mac is there to greet me and I just can't. No-one understands me these days. I've tried talking to Nurse Kate but she just twists my words to make it sound different and horribly wrong to what I actually said. I sometimes get sick of Toni because she's so good at practically everything. She's a great singer and a great musician, better than me. I suck at everything. I'm sick of being me. I feel like no-one appreciates me anymore. Hardly no-one greets me when I get to school. I know this sounds stupid but I want to go into a coma or something, just to get them worried then wake up and go back. I've even almost overdosed on tablets, but I don't have the guts to do it. I'm scared that I won't wake up, then I'll go to Hell and never see Mac again. I feel that he's the only thing I live for pretty much. At least he appreciates me.

*BETH*

P.S. Miss Burow leaves on Wednesday and she's not even going to be at school tomorrow which will be our last 80 minute lesson with her!!!!!!!!!!